Haven't really posted anything for some time.

Thought through the same issue all this while but I still don't really have an answer yet. But maybe there is no answer to begin with, so its just a futile search that only makes me depressed.

Maybe I should just write down what is so special about water that makes me feel so heartbroken (this might get quite long).

Hmm... where should I start?

I have met different kinds of people all my life, so far I have only found a few whom I can really click with. When I say click, it means a level 1 HTHT (a scale that I sometimes use to rank the people I know). I'm sorry to admit but this scale exists, but that doesn't mean I will treat the people differently. This is actually a scale that measures how much I am willing to tell about myself, so the lower the level the more you will know about me. I haven't found anyone who has yet reach level 1 yet, but water definitely has the potential to be one.

That's one of the main reason (of course there are others less trivial). I'm quite an analytical person so I prefer to visualize and think through logically, so pardon me. But that is also why I suck in love, because it defies a definition.

Anyway back to the point, water is just "special". I don't know but she has that one quality that I have yet to seen in anyone else, that why I felt she was the one. Maybe I was blinded by this special feeling, thus I start only to notice only the good part (just like how maybe sun always see all the things I do in negative aspect) So I can't confirm this.

As to what this quality is, i think its "selflessness" (not really sure if that is the best description). She has this ability to show sincerity and care for those around her and I can feel this. (Oh my, I'm not supposed to think if I want to get it over).

I have to admit but sometimes I am self-centered in some ways too. There are things that I will want it my own way (of course I have to emphasis that it doesn't mean MCP). So its kinda hard to find someone who can complement my flaws.

There are times when I really feel insecure and sad, I hope that there will be someone who is willing to just come down and sit beside me. But no one is going to do that because in this sad world, everyone is self-centered as well. I don't blame friends who knows that you are feeling sad but they have other committments too. They do have their own lives to lead, and I might just be a good friend, not their pillar of strength.

Maybe if they are like your parents, or husband/wife they might do that. But at a friend level, it quite hard to find someone who fits the bill. Somehow water gave me this impression that I never thought I will find. It's almost like she can be my pillar and I can be hers. But that could all just be wishful thinking from my part.

Perhaps that why when this pillar suddenly tells you that you are just fantasizing, the harsh reality of life strucks you right in your face and suddenly everything turned black. That was what I felt then. Totally lost.

But then I grew upon this lesson. Perhaps that is why I didn't want to force anything. Because if it was me in the past, I wouldn't give up so easily. I will keep trying till she accepts me. But on the other hand, inside her mind she could think otherwise. Like "he say he likes me, but he hasn't done anything, maybe he is just kidding". That is always the problem with perspective.

So sometimes I face this dilemma of not giving up so easily, but yet at other times feel insecure and wants to just let it go. Arghhh...I'm so disappointed with myself.

Anyway even then, because of her qualities, I also see her as someone easily hurt (maybe that's why she has never been attached before). She has a weak heart like me perhaps, we both idealise the notion of love and when things don't turn out welll we start to feel really really disappointed.

I don't really have much confidence in myself, so I don't wanna end up hurting her eventually. Like I said, it concerns the very pillar of my life so I'm pretty sure I will treat her very well. But you never know about the future. And I am a long term person, if I can predict the eventual consequence I will choose not to start anything. Hmm... does that mean I don't have faith in her or myself? maybe.

Ok I think I have written enough. I shall continue reflecting.