I thought I could get over it, but it seems I can't.

Why is that so? This feeling shouldn't be that intense. I thought I should have long anticipated this day will arrive and well- prepared myself. Why??

I dun wanna pretend to be just friends and act as though nothing happened. I need to reflect... arghhh...

everytime i see water online... i feel like talking, but words just can't express how i feel.

J told me today that maybe what i have seeking all this while are just the traits, not the person.

Now I'm starting to reflect. Perhaps its true, what I like about water are the character traits. If I meet someone who shares the same traits, will I still love water?

Anyway, I had a chat with water. Perhaps its really time for me to clear my mind of these troubles and start a brand new life.

But I guess I will need time to get over this.

Letting go

Far out in the country side lived a lonely girl who had no siblings. Longed desperately for love, overprotective parents doesn't help abit.

One day while she was walking in the woods she found two starving songbirds. She took them home and put them in a small gilded cage. She nurtured them with love and the birds grew stronger each day. Every morning they greeted her with their marvelous voices. The girl felt great love for the birds. She wanted their singing and companionship to last forever.

One fine day the girl left the door of the cage ajar while replenishing the water and food for the birds, who knows one of the lovely bird flew from the cage. The girl watched anxiously as it circled above her. She was so frightened that it would fly away and she would lose the bird and hence she would grasped at it wildly whenever it flew close.

She caught him in her fist. She clutched him tightly within her hand. Her heart gladdened at her success in capturing it. Suddenly she felt the bird go limp. She opened her hand stared in horror at the dead bird.

Her desperate deep love had killed the bird.

She noticed the other bird teetering on the edge of the cage. As though morphing into a bird herself, she felt the need for freedom. Birds should belong to the clear blue sky, no a cage, she thought. She lifted the other bird from the cage and tossed it softly into the air. The bird circled once, twice, three times.

Almost forever, the girl watched, delighted at the bird's enjoyment. Her heart was no longer concerned with her loss. She wanted the bird to be happy. Suddenly the bird flew closer and landed softly on her delicate hand. It sang the sweetest melody she had ever heard.

Reflection point:Have you ever 'killed' or lost some one's love towards you with the above mentioned 'desperate clucth of love'? Ever regret? Will he or she be back after all? Well if once again, will you hold him/her too tight or choose to give it wings..

My friends keep telling me
That if you really love her
You've got to set her free
And if she returns in kind
I know she's mine

Dear P,

Do you think I should be so evil and let her see this blog?

But then I don't know what will happen after that. What if she decides to totally avoid me like with all the other guys? I don't know how I can survive that heartache. haha

So better not be so stupid this time. Keep that thought out for now

I think I am more mature than I was at the beginning of the year. These 3 months have been a roller-coaster journey and I'm glad I managed to came out of it in one piece.

I am very much convinced now that water is the right one. But whether we end up together is another thing. Nevertheless, I still believe that I should give her the freedom to choose her own life. If she thinks that she will be happier being single, I shall respect that decision. But if I do have that small glimmer of hope, I will want to be the first to know. Maybe I should go and ask her the question again soon.

Till then I shall continue to wait for her.

Oh man why do I get affected by people's comment so much, especially from those whom I care alot for.

Water said something that irritated me alot. On a deeper analaysis, is there some hidden message that she is trying to bring across?

I thought it was just a neutral question of asking whether to study together or not. But her reply was so weird. Or was I overspeculating again. My intuition tells me that she saw the message I left inside the birthday present and she is trying to avoid me now.

What does it mean by "is hen studying? If not i dun think i want to study with you or jeron. I very traditional one." Since when was I a distraction during studying?? I think Mr A fits the bill more.

p.s to water (in case u see it, which is a very low possibility)

I don't know about this, but I think if you like someone, you should let her know. But that doesn't mean that she has to accept it. I'm just trying to let my feelings known. Is there something wrong with what I am doing? If she doesn't like me, she can just tell me straight. I think she doesn't want to break my heart but then that is all part of growing up.

Either she is not the right one or the timing is just not right. But there is nothing wrong with it. I like her doesn't have to mean she HAS to like me back right? I can take the failure. No worries.

After rushing through the birthday present, I'm finally done with the final product. Secretly I feel so proud of it because this is probably the first time I spent so much effort on making something.

A big pity that water is fully booked for the birthday weekend. She's meeting up with her RV pals so I don't think it will be nice to intrude into their small party, even though I know them too. She deserves some time alone with her BFFs. In a way, I'm more jealous about her night activity with her og because Mr A is there (its still ok until i realise that there might be something going on between them, but that could just be overspeculation). But then I shouldn't be thinking of that. My low self-esteem and insecurity is starting to kick in again. arghh...

Jealousy and possessiveness are the two biggest character flaws that I have promised myself to change. I shall find my own ways of showing her my care. haha