I don't know if this is called Love

i really don't

sometimes, i don't know if you really love me. sometimes i don't know if i'm just a passing phase in your life.

but yet at other times, i feel that you really do give a damn about me.

God, tell me if I'm wrong about her, or my initial conclusions about her were so true and i just chose to ignore it.

i think we're totally 2 different people, totally at disagreements with each other, over most issues and lifestyle options. i don't see a future with you.

why am i still in? maybe i'm just waiting for you to walk out on me.

somethings in life will just not work out the way you want them to

so live with it.

the things that you'll do for someone, may not be the things that the someone will do for you. giving is never expecting in return. if something good comes your way, thank God for his grace that makes it happen.

sometimes its not anyone's fault. i used to think that when something goes wrong, its usually the fault of 2 parties, but now i'm thinking it can also be no one's fault. things just happen they way they will. its supposed to. its some form of lesson that is necessary. and these things make you appreciate the other aspects of life better.

from today onwards, i'll try my very best not to go out of my way for you. i'll try my best not to love you as much as i do. i'll try to do the things that i'd normally do, independent of you. i'll take your "yes" as a "no" and if it turns out to be a yes, i'll just be happy.

i'll lower my expectations, so that there'll be higher satisfaction. today was a good example. taking your "maybe i'll have dinner with you" for "i won't be having dinner with you". and when it turned out to be what i expected, i felt better.

so long jude. life is short. live it for yourself.

Forest Gump: Life is like a box of chocolates

you'll never know what you gonna get until you bite in.

is that life? is it some thing that you'll never be able to see the end of the road? the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? is it something that you just put blind hope in and hope for the best? that you'll just see what happens and take things as they come?

i'm never able to see the future. not at all. you don't give me any reason to see that glimmering light at the end of the tunnel. or maybe not tunnel. sometimes i think it'll all end somehow and it'll just be a dream that will be hard to erase.

its again the things that i'd do for you but you'd never do for me. its again how you don't know that you are treating me second best. its again how you never fail to disappoint me when you change things and events that are planned(no matter how small), to your whim and fancy.

sometimes it doesn't make any difference with or without you.

this is the blind hope, the blind faith i put in us. the hope that one day both of us will never be sad cuz of the other party. i think that's sad.

does the happy times overwrite the depressing one?

love is like ocd. and i don't like it. i used to have so much control, not anymore.

a turn?

there is this bend on the road. it leads to somewhere i cannot see right now, but i still want to go ahead and see where it leads me to. i don't know if this road is a path i should be on in the first place. life is a joke, a game, a gamble. times are happier now. i want them to last. i want you to be my last.

a question

can 2 people who are not entirely suited for each other still love each other honestly and truthfully and regardlessly?

Just suddenly feel like posting.

Is it just me or did sun finally decided to change her attitude towards me??

jude, don't lose yourself in finding your other self

you are fucking self centered. you don't spare a thought for others who care about you. its always about you. its always how u pretend to play up your self pity and get others to accomodate. i've had enough. you know how i always give in despite how much i complain. i don't want to keep comparing your actions with mine. cuz i'm a guy and you're a girl. i listen to everything u say. you don't have to. you just need to be pampered. you just need people to be there for you. and in time to come, when you don't need me, kick me away and not battle an eyelid. do that. i just wanna prove myself right. i just want to see how all this nonsense ends.

you sulk when i suggest stuff that you don't wanna do. sometimes for no reason at all. and when i don't like doing something, you'll still go ahead and do, cuz you know i'll follow and be magnanimous about it. you are a piece of shit.

you know from the very start i'll stay away from girls like you, and you'd stay from guys like me, why then, why on earth did you have to play up your outdoor-zy side and have me draw my guard down, breaking my promise of not dating a smoker. i have only myself to blame. myself to blame for kidding myself, for believeing that true love exist. it doesn't! Fuck! Its just a show. its just a masquarade. thats what you are.

now i don't know when you've lied and when you're telling the truth. you are a liar. and will forever be. i just hope i can trust you like before. before i knew the whole you. you suck.

sinsiu says: she is not a keeper

sinsiu says:
do you tink she will ask more of you
sinsiu says:
like she wanna smoke more
sinsiu says:
she will wan you to tolerate her more
sinsiu says:
she wan you to understand her more due to her tight schedules
sinsiu says:
do you tink she will juz be plain demanding
sinsiu says:
and tink tat it is not wrong
sinsiu says:
cos she bloody has a singapore idol
sinsiu says:
which she tinks that it is so great...
sinsiu says:
i dunno
sinsiu says:
wad you tink?
sinsiu says:
will you be able to tolerate those?
sinsiu says:
do you tink she might like anyone from the singapore idol?
sinsiu says:
she will spend less time with you
sinsiu says:
and say tat it is part of the training
sinsiu says:
can you tolerate if she kept telling you she is tired to go out
sinsiu says:
or to church due to the singapore idol
sinsiu says:
and then she instead have time for mahjongs

True that sometimes avoiding the problem will make you less emo.

But if that problems remain there, its like a crack on a cup, no matter how many times u mend or ignore, it does not disappear and someday you will get tired of that crack and explode. That will make things go out of proportion and it's something I will want to avoid.

When emotions get the better of us, we tend to do things/say stuff that we might regret in the future. I have enough regrets in life already, so I rather accept the problem and try to solve it. There is no perfect solution but I believe there is a best solution to all problems.

So J, avoiding the problem may not be the best option after all. You need to have the courage to face and solve it. That way, differences can be understood and (hopefully) turn for the better.

Emo. You.(me)

No, this is not gonna be an emo post. Its about the right of being emo. I guess you need to realise that when you emo, nobody's gonna help you, not your other half, not even yourself. If you don't calm your nerves, and stop thinking about the worst case senarios, nothing will ever turn out right for you. Heard this today which I sorta realised it. Revenge is very viscious, it robs you of your happiness and eats you from inside. And before you know it, you would already have become very bitter.

Forgetting the past and not talking about it can be quite relieving too! But there is always the small pea that you know is under your 20storey high bed and can't sleep well. Oh well

The story never ends

An ending is a begining for someone else.

I finally understood. I finally learned to trust my intuition cuz its always right. I lie to myself the most number of times. I always know the answers to the questions that I ask, but I just ask them anyway.

Now I know why there are so many things that I'd give up for you, and yet there are none that you'd give up for me. Now I know why there are times you can just totally forget about my existence. Now I know why there are so many times you'd do stuff that saddens me, but you just do it anyway. Now I know my fears are not unfounded. Go ahead and treat me like a stand in. Go ahead and call on me only when you have nobody else to call upon. Go ahead and cry on my shoulder when you can't find any one else to find comfort in. Go ahead and use me. Go ahead and bask in my love. Please do. And after it all, say thank you and leave. Go away.

I thought it was real. I believed that it was real. I think I have the ultimate power of bluffing myself. The end is near. I'm smelling it. And when that day comes, I think I can never trust another again.

I guess this says it all.

Full stop. End of Story. Stop Dreaming. Time to get on with life.

Haven't really posted anything for some time.

Thought through the same issue all this while but I still don't really have an answer yet. But maybe there is no answer to begin with, so its just a futile search that only makes me depressed.

Maybe I should just write down what is so special about water that makes me feel so heartbroken (this might get quite long).

Hmm... where should I start?

I have met different kinds of people all my life, so far I have only found a few whom I can really click with. When I say click, it means a level 1 HTHT (a scale that I sometimes use to rank the people I know). I'm sorry to admit but this scale exists, but that doesn't mean I will treat the people differently. This is actually a scale that measures how much I am willing to tell about myself, so the lower the level the more you will know about me. I haven't found anyone who has yet reach level 1 yet, but water definitely has the potential to be one.

That's one of the main reason (of course there are others less trivial). I'm quite an analytical person so I prefer to visualize and think through logically, so pardon me. But that is also why I suck in love, because it defies a definition.

Anyway back to the point, water is just "special". I don't know but she has that one quality that I have yet to seen in anyone else, that why I felt she was the one. Maybe I was blinded by this special feeling, thus I start only to notice only the good part (just like how maybe sun always see all the things I do in negative aspect) So I can't confirm this.

As to what this quality is, i think its "selflessness" (not really sure if that is the best description). She has this ability to show sincerity and care for those around her and I can feel this. (Oh my, I'm not supposed to think if I want to get it over).

I have to admit but sometimes I am self-centered in some ways too. There are things that I will want it my own way (of course I have to emphasis that it doesn't mean MCP). So its kinda hard to find someone who can complement my flaws.

There are times when I really feel insecure and sad, I hope that there will be someone who is willing to just come down and sit beside me. But no one is going to do that because in this sad world, everyone is self-centered as well. I don't blame friends who knows that you are feeling sad but they have other committments too. They do have their own lives to lead, and I might just be a good friend, not their pillar of strength.

Maybe if they are like your parents, or husband/wife they might do that. But at a friend level, it quite hard to find someone who fits the bill. Somehow water gave me this impression that I never thought I will find. It's almost like she can be my pillar and I can be hers. But that could all just be wishful thinking from my part.

Perhaps that why when this pillar suddenly tells you that you are just fantasizing, the harsh reality of life strucks you right in your face and suddenly everything turned black. That was what I felt then. Totally lost.

But then I grew upon this lesson. Perhaps that is why I didn't want to force anything. Because if it was me in the past, I wouldn't give up so easily. I will keep trying till she accepts me. But on the other hand, inside her mind she could think otherwise. Like "he say he likes me, but he hasn't done anything, maybe he is just kidding". That is always the problem with perspective.

So sometimes I face this dilemma of not giving up so easily, but yet at other times feel insecure and wants to just let it go. Arghhh...I'm so disappointed with myself.

Anyway even then, because of her qualities, I also see her as someone easily hurt (maybe that's why she has never been attached before). She has a weak heart like me perhaps, we both idealise the notion of love and when things don't turn out welll we start to feel really really disappointed.

I don't really have much confidence in myself, so I don't wanna end up hurting her eventually. Like I said, it concerns the very pillar of my life so I'm pretty sure I will treat her very well. But you never know about the future. And I am a long term person, if I can predict the eventual consequence I will choose not to start anything. Hmm... does that mean I don't have faith in her or myself? maybe.

Ok I think I have written enough. I shall continue reflecting.

Yes I agree, It's always good to look on the bright side of things.

Life is just too short for me to be mulling over sad stuff. As long as she is happy, I will be happy too. Nothing else matters just as much =)

J says that I should be grateful that water didn't end up treating me like how the sun did. I guess that's true. So perhaps I should really let things stay this way and not try to force her to come to some conclusion.

It wouldn't benefit anyone of us anyway.

I reflected and learnt something new today. Love isn't about reciprocity. It is about giving without asking anything in return. Or perhaps that is the kind of love that I'm truly looking for.

I shall no longer try to persuade water to accept me. As much as it hurts so much, there isn't much I can do. Maybe someday water will recognise all the things I have and want to do for her (but I should stop giving myself false hope and accept my fate). Let time erase away all the scars on my body.

And a stronger me shall emerge from this...

I thought I could get over it, but it seems I can't.

Why is that so? This feeling shouldn't be that intense. I thought I should have long anticipated this day will arrive and well- prepared myself. Why??

I dun wanna pretend to be just friends and act as though nothing happened. I need to reflect... arghhh...

everytime i see water online... i feel like talking, but words just can't express how i feel.

J told me today that maybe what i have seeking all this while are just the traits, not the person.

Now I'm starting to reflect. Perhaps its true, what I like about water are the character traits. If I meet someone who shares the same traits, will I still love water?

Anyway, I had a chat with water. Perhaps its really time for me to clear my mind of these troubles and start a brand new life.

But I guess I will need time to get over this.

Letting go

Far out in the country side lived a lonely girl who had no siblings. Longed desperately for love, overprotective parents doesn't help abit.

One day while she was walking in the woods she found two starving songbirds. She took them home and put them in a small gilded cage. She nurtured them with love and the birds grew stronger each day. Every morning they greeted her with their marvelous voices. The girl felt great love for the birds. She wanted their singing and companionship to last forever.

One fine day the girl left the door of the cage ajar while replenishing the water and food for the birds, who knows one of the lovely bird flew from the cage. The girl watched anxiously as it circled above her. She was so frightened that it would fly away and she would lose the bird and hence she would grasped at it wildly whenever it flew close.

She caught him in her fist. She clutched him tightly within her hand. Her heart gladdened at her success in capturing it. Suddenly she felt the bird go limp. She opened her hand stared in horror at the dead bird.

Her desperate deep love had killed the bird.

She noticed the other bird teetering on the edge of the cage. As though morphing into a bird herself, she felt the need for freedom. Birds should belong to the clear blue sky, no a cage, she thought. She lifted the other bird from the cage and tossed it softly into the air. The bird circled once, twice, three times.

Almost forever, the girl watched, delighted at the bird's enjoyment. Her heart was no longer concerned with her loss. She wanted the bird to be happy. Suddenly the bird flew closer and landed softly on her delicate hand. It sang the sweetest melody she had ever heard.

Reflection point:Have you ever 'killed' or lost some one's love towards you with the above mentioned 'desperate clucth of love'? Ever regret? Will he or she be back after all? Well if once again, will you hold him/her too tight or choose to give it wings..

My friends keep telling me
That if you really love her
You've got to set her free
And if she returns in kind
I know she's mine

Dear P,

Do you think I should be so evil and let her see this blog?

But then I don't know what will happen after that. What if she decides to totally avoid me like with all the other guys? I don't know how I can survive that heartache. haha

So better not be so stupid this time. Keep that thought out for now

I think I am more mature than I was at the beginning of the year. These 3 months have been a roller-coaster journey and I'm glad I managed to came out of it in one piece.

I am very much convinced now that water is the right one. But whether we end up together is another thing. Nevertheless, I still believe that I should give her the freedom to choose her own life. If she thinks that she will be happier being single, I shall respect that decision. But if I do have that small glimmer of hope, I will want to be the first to know. Maybe I should go and ask her the question again soon.

Till then I shall continue to wait for her.

Oh man why do I get affected by people's comment so much, especially from those whom I care alot for.

Water said something that irritated me alot. On a deeper analaysis, is there some hidden message that she is trying to bring across?

I thought it was just a neutral question of asking whether to study together or not. But her reply was so weird. Or was I overspeculating again. My intuition tells me that she saw the message I left inside the birthday present and she is trying to avoid me now.

What does it mean by "is hen studying? If not i dun think i want to study with you or jeron. I very traditional one." Since when was I a distraction during studying?? I think Mr A fits the bill more.

p.s to water (in case u see it, which is a very low possibility)

I don't know about this, but I think if you like someone, you should let her know. But that doesn't mean that she has to accept it. I'm just trying to let my feelings known. Is there something wrong with what I am doing? If she doesn't like me, she can just tell me straight. I think she doesn't want to break my heart but then that is all part of growing up.

Either she is not the right one or the timing is just not right. But there is nothing wrong with it. I like her doesn't have to mean she HAS to like me back right? I can take the failure. No worries.

After rushing through the birthday present, I'm finally done with the final product. Secretly I feel so proud of it because this is probably the first time I spent so much effort on making something.

A big pity that water is fully booked for the birthday weekend. She's meeting up with her RV pals so I don't think it will be nice to intrude into their small party, even though I know them too. She deserves some time alone with her BFFs. In a way, I'm more jealous about her night activity with her og because Mr A is there (its still ok until i realise that there might be something going on between them, but that could just be overspeculation). But then I shouldn't be thinking of that. My low self-esteem and insecurity is starting to kick in again. arghh...

Jealousy and possessiveness are the two biggest character flaws that I have promised myself to change. I shall find my own ways of showing her my care. haha

Zoo trip today was fantastic.

Water definitely gave me a big pleasant surprise with her presence to the zoo trip. I almost thought after all that have happened, she might just do the act that sun is so good at doing - avoiding. I guess I was overly pessimistic, after all response in the group wasn't good. Sun is on a disappearing act, C is busy with her econs tests, AW is mia as usual. Fortunately there is still water, J and hen left. That's what good company can do to my life.

I enjoy every moment with her around.

Took a one week break from all this stupid thinking. Maybe S was right after all. I should not focus so much on making my life so miserable. Instead I should be enjoying every single moment of life.

I do enjoy water's company. There seems to be like endless topics we can talk about all the time. No wonder she is the soulmate that I have always wanted to have. haha

V-day today and I got no date. haha.

Water is too busy these days. As much as I think she is the right one, I find it so hard to approach her other than through group outings.

It seems to me that I am afraid of taking a step forward because I don't what will turn out if I do so. She told me that she used to avoid all the guys that used to tell her they liked her. I seriously don't want that to happen. I think I will rather force myself to forget her than lose such a good soulmate. But then she says she has no idea why she didn't avoid me. Do I take that as a signal that I still have some hope and should just ask her out next time?

anyway, I took a look at C's present for water and I saw Mr A for the first time. From the phrasing, I get this impression that water already has someone else in mind.

ah crap, what is wrong with me? I even wrote a letter to water and don't have the courage to give her.

I noticed this for sometime but I don't know whether to post this or not, after all it is more related to J & Sun. S and me discussed over msn and we agreed that there is something wrong going on with those two.

The wall is killing away the feelings for sun very quickly. Or is it I have come to a realisation that the thing that I have been chasing is wrong?

Am I breaking free from the crush feeling already? Or is it I'm having more and more feelings for water after the race incident?

It's time for reflections once more.

Today is the second race day. I was totally disappointed with sun. As much as she doesn't like me, she shouldn't have done such a thing and not help out at the last minute. It portrays the impression that she is very self-centered and cares only about herself.

Fortunately water was still around. I'm extremely grateful to her, always. She offers me the help when I am the most troubled. She's like my shelter in life. With her around, it seems as though I have the courage and ability to overcome any obstacles.

Today I came up with a new analogy.

Sun is something that you look forward to. When the sun is up, it makes the day brighter and happy, and when the sun is not there, you start to miss it alot. But the sun is alone and hot, it is so difficult to approach it , try as you might, you can never get anywhere close to it.

Water on the other hand is calm, cooling to the senses. You do not have any special feelings for the water because perhaps you are too used to it already. Water has an important role in your life, without water you cannot survive. But you do not know this until the day you have lost it.

Aries is like the sun and Pisces is like water.

Everyone seems to have noticed the wall. Now I'm beginning to wonder whether there is really a wall there or I'm just over-reacting?

Could it be the case that I unconsciously primed this idea of "something is wrong with Aries and me" into everyone's mind?

Today's bukit timah trip was still great, even though there was still some barriers between me and Aries. Must be the presence of Pisces there. She definitely brightens up my day. haha

I noticed something nowadays. It seems that there is some barrier between Aries and me. What is going on? Am I the only one who noticed this thing?

How did this ice-wall just appear out of nowhere?

I need to be more decisive. How come I can't seem to come to a conclusion now?

Talking with C & J & S on msn really made me wonder whether do I really like Aries in the first place. S posted me this thought provoking-question - "How do you know you really like her or you're just infatuated?"

I can't answer that question. So does that mean that what S said is true, its just a crush?

Am I trying to convince that I like her for who she is and its not a crush? The more I try to think objectively, the more I seem convinced at my own option. This must be what the lecturer calls ironic suppression.

School's starting and we are beginning to see more and more of each other. This also meant that these feelings are getting stronger than before. I went for HTHT talk with C and J. The impression I get from this is that I think I like Aries much more than Pisces. But is that really true?

Yes Aries has qualities that really made me attracted to. But is that what I really? I cannot forsee what is going to come out if this happens. As much as I am a romantic at heart, I don't want to let my emotions over-control me.

Do I really like her? I need an answer.

Hmm... I went to reflect on my actions.

Is it because I didn't really like Pisces after all? That's why I dared to tell her the truth. Or is it because I am too confused about the options so I decided to just give it a shot and see what happens?

Suddenly I remembered about the last girl. Never had the courage to express what I feel seems to be my biggest regret in life. Could it be that this experience is changing me?

Is it because I like Pisces, that why I told her because I don't want the same thing to happen again?

I need more time to think through.

Ok I don't know what got over me, but I think I did something quite dumb.

Why did I go and tell Pisces that I like her and Aries?

It seriously doesn't look like the usual me. How come I am so brave?